Confession Time

I have a confession to make. This move thing hasn’t been easy. Yeah, it probably sounds all exciting and fantastic to move to Ireland, but it’s been a tough adjustment for me. I feel like my last month or two in California were spent wrapped up in preparing for this move, trying to ensure things were flowing well with work stuff, finding someone to sublease my car (thank you again, Steve and Charity, you saved part of my sanity in the last days before I moved!), deciding if I was going to move out of my apartment or sublease it, packing up 14 bags for Goodwill (yes, 14), selling furniture, packing my house, deciding what the hell one takes with them for a year abroad, blah blah blah. Looking back, I barely remember my last month in California except that it flew by in a whirlwind.

Try putting yourself in my shoes, giving up pretty much your entire life and moving solo in 2 suitcases to somewhere where you know nobody. Yes, it’s a great challenge in one way but it’s an adjustment that I cannot truly explain.  And didn't expect.

My perfectly-planned details of my physical move disappeared at some point. I procrastinated for whatever reasons, probably mostly fear, and I cannot go back on it. The morning I left was one of the worst days of my life. I then sat on a plane for 5 hrs feeling completely embarrassed and ashamed, thinking of what I forgot to do, who I didn’t take time to visit, office issues, etc. Thereafter, my screwed up move has been weighing on me for over a month now, wondering what I forgot to take care of, figuring out who I could trust to help with whatever I left behind, worrying what people were thinking of me as a result of this disarray. For the first month I had insomnia to the point where I rarely fell asleep before 5am.

I’ve almost been here for 2 months now, and I’m having mixed emotions. I like it here, but I don’t yet love it. Everyone is always asking me, “you must be having such a great time!” – and my response is usually, “yeah, it’s great, I love it here!”…but I think I’ve been kidding myself. Sure, I’ve made friends and I’m having fun, but overall it’s actually been a very odd adjustment. I was so excited to move here for a year and have a once-in-a-lifetime experience that I think I thought I’d move here and all would be instantly grand. Not exactly.

• Transportation: While I love the idea of not having a car and instead being able to walk everywhere (it is great exercise) or take the tram, bus or train, I now appreciate the freedom that I had with a car.

• Communications:

• Mobile phone freedoms. Yes, I have an Irish mobile, but it’s not the same as back home. Ask any Irish person who has lived in both Ireland and the U.S. and they will tell you how great the U.S. mobile phone plans are compared to Ireland’s. Unlike the U.S., Ireland doesn’t have the “unlimited” or similar plans as I’m used to in the U.S. Each text, each minute is deducted from your prepaid balance. I went from texting and talking to my friends daily to practically nil. At first I didn’t notice it too much but after a few weeks it was a crappy feeling to reach for my phone when I wanted to text or call people back home, only to remind myself I was no longer on an unlimited plan. Sure, I’ve texted here and there and of course I’ve called my mom several times, but it’s just not the same. I probably sound so whiny, sorry.
• Blackberry/instant email. Dare I admit it? Yes, I miss email at my disposal via the ol’ BB. After this past year of work, I never thought I would hear myself say that I miss my bb. At first I loved not being tied to it, but after still not having a functioning laptop, I miss it solely for the email capability…which brings me to the next topic.
• Internet/email. For various reasons, my only current option for internet access is at the computer labs on campus. It’s a bit odd, and completely opposite from my usual M.O. in my apartment, to not be able to come home from work and relax on the sofa with my laptop, catching up on email and celebrity gossip (guilty pleasure) while watching a movie (and then typically falling asleep and waking up on my sofa at 3am… ha ha). The campus labs are fine, and they’re also quite toasty on a cold night, but that got old real fast after the first couple of weeks.

• Extreme downsizing! You’ve seen the photos of my dorm and old apartment in prior posts. In addition, I expected that my dorm, like almost all other dorms here, had a common room with sofa or something to relax. Not so. Yes, I know I said before that I’m happy to sacrifice the common room for having my own bathroom, but on the same token it would be nice to have more than just my 8ft x 15ft living quarters (yes, that includes the bathroom)!

• Friends. I miss my friends in Cali. Sure, I’ve made friends here and it’s great to meet new people, but it’s just different. My friend Juliette is cool, lots of fun to hang out with. She’d be the type of friend I’d call up if I’m bored and say “let’s go grab a pint,” yet she doesn’t live on campus and it’s not conducive to such random thoughts.

• Mail. Not the end of the world, but campus residences get mail delivered M/W/F (that’s another point of frustration, as I was never informed of this but only know it’s M/W/F because another resident informed me… hello, communication goes a long way, Trinity). Main doors to residences are by key-card access only (a nice security feature, no complaints there), so the campus mail guys cannot leave a package at your dorm door as they would on your doorstep of an apartment. If you have a package delivered (thank you mommy, for the great care pkgs!), you need to walk to the mail building to pick it up. Not the end of the world, but indeed an adjustment in the grand scheme of things.

Let’s see, what else can I complain about?! I guess in all it’s just been weird to feel out of touch and not yet settled in. So yes, I confess, I’ve not been 100% truthful when I say “I love it here!” – because I think at heart, I’m partially a homesick softie. Eek! Have I just revealed a bit of what lies beneath this tough outer shell? Perish the thought!

So before you go calling the white coats, thinking I’ve finally lost it, I’ll end on a positive note to say that I’m trying to like it more here, trying to motivate myself. I’ve made a “get it done already” list of many tasks, all the thank you cards I need to write, all the business and personal matters I need to tend to. I am almost on a normal sleep schedule and making a list each night for what I need to accomplish in the mornings before class. I’ve bought my thank you cards and I even already bought Christmas gifts to send home to friends, family and coworkers. I’m sure things will start to perk up. I’m not even sure why I wrote all of this. I hate being a Debbie Downer, but maybe this is my way of letting you all know that I’ve not been myself lately and it’s been an interesting adjustment to say the least. Thanks for not disowning me :)

Signed,

Holly, not Molly